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| So, I've meant to write for the longest time but it kept getting interrupted. I think I may have just not wanted to put my thought out there even though I have been writing entries consistently in my head for some time now. It mostly happens in the shower when I start to think about things and I plan to write about it later and never do. I've been having lots of conflicting thoughts lately about the way I think and handle myself and there are things I've come to realize about myself.
As of late, lots of people have been coming back into my life that I had not talked to or seen for a long time. Ex-boyfriends, friends, dating partners, hook-up buddies, acquaintances, you name it. While I've missed them and enjoy their company, I've changed a lot since we were last friends and I'm not sure how they would fit my new self. I'm consistently trying to better myself and it seems I've reached an extremely good level of happiness and over-all well-being. I guess I'm just afraid that these people from my past will bring out parts of me that I felt needed to be changed. As I've written before, every single person affects your life in some way. It may be very slight or extreme but everyone has an effect on your life. On the other hand, these people did nothing wrong and don't deserve me leaving them behind. Even if I am going off to college in a week and perfectly capable of starting completely over, it's not something I want.
People go to college and try to "reinvent" themselves. This is not something I am attempting to do because I'm always altering myself and I don't mind others being aware of this because I don't do it for them but for myself. The same goes with people. I don't want to drop everyone I know and start from scratch because I've worked pretty hard for the friendships I've enjoyed for the last 6 years of living in Gwinnett county. This is the first place that allowed me to do so and gave me a chance to truly make friends. As I would do with myself, my friend-base is slowly altered and certain people are phased out of my life, whether intentionally or not. The thing is, I may have phased my past friends out for a reason and letting them back into my life may create similar problems.
Something I've realized about myself if is how hard I'll fight but also, how easily I'll give up on something. I don't give up on things because they're hard. On the contrary, I will usually give up on something I feel I can do but either "can be dealt with at another time" or don't meet up to my unattainable standards. I expect thing to be a certain way and when I realize they aren't what I had wished for, I move on. I guess this is why I'm in the middle of reading about 7 or 8 books at the time and will probably just start new ones instead of finishing the one's I've started. I may go back and finish one when my OCD kicks in and I have a need to complete something I've left unsettled but I don't do it because I feel an overwhelming desire to do so. I find myself being similar in friendships. I love making new friends and doing exciting new things but I often forget to keep up with the ones I already have. There's a group who could never trigger such a response from me but most people i leave "unfinished" or I may go back to them out of felt obligation some day.
I don't want these past friendships to be an obligation but I also don't want to just leave them behind because of some inability to "complete" anything I start. I don't want to lower my standards but I also understand that people will never meet up to them. | | |
| “We hide our words in songs
because we’re too scared to share feelings.
I blame the world.”
Had I noticed this years ago, things would've been so different.
I blame myself. | | |
| "You know that phrase that you never really know what you had until you're lost it? We all know it's true but we act as if there's something wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with loss because it wakes us up to reality."
I just realized that I do disagree with myself. There is something that I lost and want back but it's one of those things that, once lost, stays lost. My innocence.
I used to be the most idealistic person about everything. I believed I could make a difference in the world. I believed that everything would always turn out all right in the end. I thought everyone was inherently good and would do the right thing when it was called for. I was full of such beliefs and ideas.
Over time, I was stripped of these ideals through interaction with "the real world." I began thinking "rationally." Every thought that occurred to me had to be practical and anything naïve or impractical was to be removed from my mental.
I usually pride myself on my overly rational way of thinking. However, this has prevented me from trying things and taking chances.
I have a friend who has had minimal interaction with the "real world" and still holds optimistic ideals about the world. He wants to change the world, make it better. He wants to cure the diseases, help the poor and free the oppressed. He believes that he has this power, yet I try to take it from him by telling him to be rational.
Who am I to say that he isn't capable of accomplishing these things? Who am I to try and take his innocence from him? Although such accomplishments aren't common, they are possible. I have no right to try to take such a gift from the world.
I will do my best to believe. Sometimes, miracles do happen. However, if we’re all off somewhere being "rational," who will be around to notice them? | | |
| I was completely wrong about you. Thank you for calling me out on it because, not only did it allow me to explain my feelings and bring us closer together, it in itself disproved my thoughts. You have proven your love and loyalty to me on countless occasions and I love our incredible bond. You truly are my soulmate. Don’t ever worry about losing me. Although we wont be as close geographically next year, we will be even closer spiritually. An hour’s drive will feel like nothing knowing I will get to see you. I love you so much it’s ridiculous!
-P.S. Tell your nudist roommate to put on some clothes and get used to me.
<3 | | |
| Taoists believe that there is a principle, or force, running through the whole of the natural world and controlling it. They call this principle the Tao. Tao means way, or path. To follow the Tao is to follow the way of nature. It is sometimes called the "watercourse way" because Taoists see water as a picture of the Tao at work. Water is soft and yielding, it flows effortlessly to humble places, yet it is also the most powerful of substances and nourishes all life.
Nature can be altered but only temporarily. Stirring water and dirt will create mud but the dirt will settle and nature will be restored.
Humans are part of nature and adhere to the same principles. We are all born with a certain nature of being which drives us. However, through interaction of others, this drive shifts.
Each person causes change in every other person, having met them or not. Every action, saying, lack thereof influences the thoughts and actions of others. This causes our natural drive to shift. However, this foreign influence needs to be constant or nature will eventually overtake us and we will revert to our former self.
How do we select the people we keep as friends and those we let go of? We judge their qualities and decide if they are ones we are fond of or dislike. We might say that we judge compatibility. This is purely selfish, as is everything people do. We are choosing traits that we want in ourselves and surrounding ourselves by them ensures that they will rub off on us. This doesn't mean that we will turn out just like them but are influenced by them. We pick people who we have things in common with as a means of reinforcing qualities we like in ourselves and deflect those who have qualities we dislike, whether we posses them or not. This is part of why hypocrisy exists.
I used to be on the lookout for a perfect companion; someone who complimented me flawlessly. I guess I had a need to feel complete and understood in a certain way. This came to an end when I realized that my searching was in vain.
To find someone who completely understands accentuates you and would require the two of you to have the same variety of circumstances in life and for them to continue being the same. This is why people "grow apart." They interact with different people and different situations, which stir different ingredients into each of their primordial soups.
The fact that I am such a "social butterfly," as one would say, makes it much harder for me to come to a personal understanding. However, the fact that I write things such as this brings me to the conclusion that I will always be the observer and the observer doesn't experience, only witness. | | |
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